HEART - Parents

Teens | Parents | Teachers

Welcome Parents!

Talking to your teens about sexuality can seem like one of the scariest things you have to do as a parent, and at times it may seem like you are getting nowhere. But don’t underestimate your impact: You need to know that you are the most important influence in your teens’ life and the decisions they make. Throughout their formative years, teens need to hear from their parents the truth about sex. You must begin talking or continuing talking to your children about sexuality. Research tells us that teens listen to their parents. The number-one reason teens give for abstaining from sex is their parents’ disapproval.

We know it can be challenging starting the conversation, we know at times you may want to give up when it seems like you are the last person your teen wants to talk to about sex. But push past that and begin talking. Your teen will listen!

So, you ask, what messages should parents give their teens in regards to sexuality? You might want to start with accurate information about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and unwed pregnancy, information on boundary setting and intimacy, your standards for dating and dating partners. School health or biology classes may cover some of these subjects but just because your teen has heard it before does not mean they will remember it! And being able to talk openly with you about this area of their life will have a much greater impact than hearing these messages once in school or at church. Talking about sex and sexuality needs to be a constant stream of messages, some spontaneous and others planned. One talk is never enough.
We hope to support and guide you through this challenging but very important stage in your teen’s life.

The “TALK”
Key things to consider before beginning the conversation with your teen…

Keep it short
Since we know that teens don’t usually have the longest attention span and are living in a world of instant messaging, we should try to keep our lessons short at first. As time goes on and trust and comfort levels increase, longer conversations often follow.

Be honest about what you think
It is OK to be direct about wanting your teen to wait for marriage but you also need to let them know that you trust them to make good decisions. Be specific about what you think abstinence would entail. Do you want them to wait for marriage or just for later in life? Do you want them to just save sexual intercourse? What about oral sex, sexual stimulation and kissing?

Be honest about how you feel
Be prepared to answer tough questions about sex and relationships but also be honest when you don’t have all the answers. Also, feel free to express if you are feeling uncomfortable or anxious talking to your teen about sex. Let your teen know that because chances are they might be feeling the same way and you both need to know that it is normal.

Use teachable moments
Watching and discussing a television program or movie with your teen is one way to enter into their world and begin comfortable small conversations. Have a seat in the family room when your teen has the TV on. If you hear something you object to within the program or movie, address it right away. Your teen will either get annoyed and leave or respond to whatever you have said. Either way, it’s an opening to further conversation.

Actions speak louder than words
When children are small they accept their parents’ word as truth, no questions asked. As they mature, however, actions speak louder than words.

As children enter their teen years and beyond, we must continue to communicate clear standards to them but we also begin negotiating with them. Negotiation can be a painful process for parents, but we must continue to send clear messages to our teens. Given the reality of single parents due to death or divorce, being the lone adult in the household means even greater scrutiny by teens. Children, especially teenagers, instantly note discrepancies between what is said and what is done. Be very careful to “talk the talk” and “walk the walk” with teenagers. Otherwise, your words may be useless.

Why Abstinence?

First off we want you as parents to know that abstinence is not only possible…it’s happening! The latest information from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention shows that more teens are currently choosing abstinence than in the last 25 years. Less than 50% of teens are sexually active. And many of those who have been sexually active in the past are now choosing to start over.

We also want you to know that the healthiest choice for non-married youth is to remain sexually abstinent. Presenting the highest health standard should be the goal of any public school health education and the goal of any parent; talking about sex should be no exception.

Many believe teaching abstinence is only about teaching young people to just say no. When in fact it is so much more than that…

Abstinence education taught in schools and churches is a primary prevention model designed to assist unmarried youth from becoming sexually active.
Abstinence programs teach and equip students on diverse topics. These include relationship skills, STDs, HIV, refusal skills, body image issues, emotional bonding, differences between men and women, the differences between love and infatuation, condom effectiveness, teen pregnancy, and the benefits of marriage.
The benefits of remaining sexually abstinent until marriage are well established. Likewise, the physical, mental and emotional consequences resulting from sexual activity outside of a life-long relationship are not disputed. The education community is aware of these benefits and consequences; presenting them is much more than saying “no.”
Relationships can be a positive or a negative preparation for marriage. Abstinence is a positive way to prepare for marriage because it teaches self-control, putting others first, and goal setting. Being responsible and saving for sex until marriage shows maturity and true love for the other person.

This information was taken from Abstinence Education: Myths and the Truthby Linda Klepacki RN, MPH found at http://www.family.org/socialissues/A000000361.cfm

Safe-Sex and contraception?

What about condoms, birth control and the safe-sex message?

The bottom line is there is no such thing as safe sex.
Children need directive education - education that points them to a specific outcome. If sex education is taught in a condom - plus - abstinence format, the message is mixed and nondirective. Your teen will be left confused as to the best health choice.
Teaching students how to reduce inherent risks of sexual activity by emphasizing condom usage fails to integrate the highest health education standard. Eliminating inherent sexual activity risks by teaching abstinence from such activity is teaching according to the highest standard. Your teen deserves to know what’s best.

This information was taken from Abstinence Education: Myths and the Truth by Linda Klepacki RN, MPH found at http://www.family.org/socialissues/A000000361.cfm

Boundaries

Our children may be involved in other activities that they don’t commonly think of as “sexual.” The word “sex” means different things to different people. Make sure you clarify your terms with your teen. Today sex may mean vaginal intercourse, anal intercourse, oral sex, or mutual masturbation. They should know that “all sex is sex” and capable of transmitting STDs. That is why it is so important that you as a parent are able to talk about the progression of sexual activity with your teen and help them set clear boundaries for themselves.

Sexual progression is difficult to understand before experiencing its power. Some points to consider while talking to your teen include the following:

Break it down for them as follows

Being Together » Holding Hands » Simple Kiss » Prolonged Kiss » French Kiss » Sexual Stimulation » Sexual Intercourse

Let them know that intimacy can progress quickly.
Intimacy must be controlled by putting up boundaries beforehand such as not being alone with someone, not staying out too late, not dating one-on-one until older.
The use of alcohol and drugs eliminates most people’s ability to say “no.”
Typically, older guys are more likely to pressure younger girls for sexual intimacy.
Sexual intimacy is the greatest treasure a person can give to another. Key questions to ask before becoming intimate with another may include “Does this person measure up to the gift? Has he or she proven himself or herself worthy of such an intimate and wondrous giving of self?”
The farther you go with someone, the harder it will be to stop.

It is also important to set boundaries for them in regards to the age at which dating can begin and guidelines for who and why to date. Also educate them on the difference between physical and emotional intimacy. It is important to set emotional and physical boundaries in all relationships.

Did You Know?...

8 out of 10 people do not know that they have an STD (meaning they have no initial signs or symptoms)
STD’s affect more women than they do men (1 in 4 women have an STD) and complications from STDs are more severe and more frequent among women because women are more susceptible to reproductive cancers and infertility caused by STDs
STDs are the most common diseases in America next to the common cold and flu
Over 60% of all STD’s occur in persons younger than 25 years of age
STDs infect over 3 million teenagers a year
STDs often cause chronic pain, may lead to infertility/sterility or cancer, and some are fatal
7 in 10 women who had sex before age 14, and 6 in 10 of those who had sex before age 15, report having had sex involuntarily
All forms of sex (vaginal, anal, oral) can transmit STDs.
Approximately 18.9 million new cases of STDs occur each year.
There are currently more than 25 types of STDs; some are curable, others are not. The number of STDs continues to increase each year.
In 2000, approximately 822,000 pregnancies occurred among 15- to 19-year-olds. Seven out of ten adolescent mothers drop out of high school.

Emergency Contraception

The idea of emergency contraception —or a morning-after pill— is based on the idea that if a woman has unprotected sexual intercourse and is worried she may become pregnant, she can take large doses of birth control pills to prevent a pregnancy.

Emergency contraception, essentially, is a high dosage of the birth control pill. It is recommended for use after sexual intercourse, over a period of 72 hours, to achieve the goal of preventing pregnancy. According to the manufacturer, the morning-after pill is more than 80 percent effective in preventing pregnancy after a single act of unprotected sex.

There are three different ways birth control pills are currently being promoted for this use: progesterone alone, estrogen alone, or both of these artificial steroids together. Again, these are the same steroids found in the typical birth control pill.

Two of the most commonly used emergency contraceptive pills are Preven and Plan B.
These pills are available to women 18 years and older without a prescription at most pharmacies. Women must show proof of age to purchase. For women 17 years old and younger, they are available only with a doctor's prescription.

Information taken from http://www.morningafterpill.org/

HPV (Human Papillomavirus)

First off, what is HPV?

HPV is the most common STI in the United States, with approximately 20 million Americans infected. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), at least 50% of sexually active men and women will acquire HPV from an infected partner at some point in their lives. There are approximately 100 sub-types of HPV with about 30 that are sexually transmitted. Most people who are infected with the virus have no symptoms and the infection clears up without intervention. Other people, however, can develop genital warts and pre-cancerous changes in cells in their cervix, vulva, anus or penis. Still other infections progress to cancer. HPV is the primary cause of more than 99% of cervical cancers. The American Cancer Society estimates that in 2005, 10,370 women will be diagnosed with cervical cancer and 3,710 women will die from the disease.

HPV is primarily transmitted from an infected person by skin-to-skin contact that involves genital touching.
HPV can be transmitted by sexual intercourse.
HPV can also be transmitted by oral sex.

What about the new vaccines for HPV?
Vaccines to prevent HPV have been in development for many years and represent a tremendous breakthrough in science that will likely save millions of women’s lives around the world. Two pharmaceutical manufacturers – GlaxoSmithKline and Merck – have developed HPV vaccines. GlaxoSmithKline’s product (Cervarix) targets two types of the virus and is intended for women only. Merck’s product (Gardasil) provides immunity for four types of HPV and is intended for use in both males and females. Approval from U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and a formal recommendation from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) are necessary for these vaccines to be available to the public. To date, this approval has only been granted for a limited use of Gardasil in females ages 9 through 26. Expansion of HPV vaccine approvals is expected in the future.

These vaccines are being targeted to 9 to 12 year-olds (although Gardasil is presently approved for use in females ages 9 to 26). Proponents cite several reasons for giving this vaccine to pre-teens.

It is easier to “catch” all 12-year-olds at their regularly scheduled physical when they receive other immunizations.
The vaccine appears to be more effective when it’s given at a young age.
Immunization can provide an added measure of protection if given before someone becomes sexually active and has a chance of being exposed to HPV.

What do I need to consider as a parent when deciding about this vaccine for my child?

The HPV vaccine does not, in any circumstance, negate or substitute choosing sexual abstinence until marriage and sexual faithfulness within marriage.
Whether or not you decide to vaccinate your child, it is important to talk with him or her about this vaccine and HPV as they will likely hear about it from their doctor, teacher, media and friends.
No vaccine is 100% effective against infection or disease.
There are more than one hundred sub-types of HPV, and the current vaccines being tested are effective against, at most, four sub-types.
The types of the virus that these vaccines protect against are the cause of most but not all cases of cervical cancer.
HPV infection can result from non-consensual sex, including sexual assault and date rape.
Young people may marry someone who is infected with the virus thus putting themselves at risk for infection.
The HPV vaccine does not protect against any other STDs or prevent pregnancy.

VDs, STDs, and STIs

Medical terminology often changes and can be confusing. Years ago, the term Venereal Disease (VD) was used for sexually transmitted infections. After the 1960s, VD was changed to Sexually Transmitted Disease (STD). Today, the current terminology has changed to Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI)

The terminology has been changed from STD to STI to provide a more precise definition. These terms are not interchangeable. According to The Medical Institute the following definitions apply:

Sexually Transmitted Infection: Invasion of and multiplication in bodily tissue by a microorganism (e.g., bacterium, virus, protozoan) that is usually (more than half the time) passed from one person to another during intimate bodily contact meant to give or derive sexual gratification.
Sexually Transmitted Disease: Pathology (i.e., damage) with or without symptoms secondary to an infection that is usually (more than half the time) passed from one person to another during intimate bodily contact meant to give or derive sexual gratification.”

Links to the Center for Disease Control
http://www.cdc.gov/
http://www.cdc.gov/sexualhealth/
http://www.cdc.gov/std/default.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/healthyyouth/sexualbehaviors/index.htm

Questions or want more information?
You may contact HEART via e-mail at infoheart@birthline.org or by phone (320)252-4150.

Back to HEART